You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat.

anti-shark cage?
you go inside the cage?
cage goes in the water.
you go in the water.
shark's in the water.
our shark...
farewell & adieu to you, fair spanish ladies.
farewell & adieu, you ladies of spain.
for we've received orders for to sail back to boston.
& so nevermore shall we see you again.

oh hey, i didn't see you come in.
pull up a seat...

Every week should be Shark Week.

as a nerd for educational programming,
shark week is like the holy grail of television.
it really has everything that i ever need
in terms of shark-related education.

it's like i called the Discovery Channel
& said to the producers...
"Hey, can i see schools of mysterious
hammerhead sharks hunting for pray?"
yeah, we can do that.
"oh, well can i see survivors of shark attacks showing
off there wounds & telling there survival stories?"
no problem bulk brogan, we got you covered.
this is awesome! great white sharks leaping out of the water?
yes we can.... & yes we will.

well fuckin' alright.
that's change i can believe in.

slow ahead? i can go slow ahead.
why don't you come down here & chum some of this shit?

if you can't tell, my love of sharks
comes primarily from the 1975 classic Jaws
& the fact that i am absolutely terrified by open water.
both the film & the real thing.
(fun fact: i can't swim very well)
i think the idea of being in a sharks territory
with no way to defend myself is what gets me the most.
& yeah, i've hear all the advice...
oh, you can punch it in the nose & it'll go away.
just poke it in eye, it'll leave you be.
well guess what random person
with shark advice i didn't ask for.
i hope this happens to you.

yeah... you give that shark a good punch now, asshole.

a giant shark is not totally a fictional concept.
in prehistoric times, ancestors of modern sharks,
such as the Megalodon, grew up to 59 feet long
& were apex predators of the Milocene Era Oceans.

now, i'm sure that there are no Megalodons left.
but the oceans are deep & i can't hold my breath.
so, i'm gonna stay on the safe side & chill on the boardwalk.
maybe get myself a hotdog/lamb gyro.
oh yeah...

love the boardwalk.

Godzilla vs. Ed Rooney

fuckin epic right?
more like epic fail.

From 1978-1981
the Hanna-Barbera company produced a series of Godzilla cartoons
to cash in on the growing popularity of the franchise with all the kiddies.
at the time, the 30-minute cartoon was run in
conjunction with other famous
Hanna-Barbera characters such as...
-Hong-Kong Phooey
-Dynomutt
-Jana of the Jungle
-the Harlem Globetrotters...
yeah, that makes a whole bunch of sense right?

all things considered, it's not a bad cartoon.
but it doesn't have much to do with the Godzilla movies.
the general concept revolves around a team of
scientists & a random kid who travel around in a boat
lookin' for crazy shit.
for whatever reason, they have a button that makes Godzilla
appear & beat the shit out of whatever he finds.
my major issues with the series, even as a kid, was that it
made no effort to make it look like the Toho series of movies.
there are no famous Toho monsters for Godzilla to battle,
just random stock monsters from around the world.
Godzilla doesn't breath blue-radiation, now it's just straight fire.
plus for whatever reason, he has eye lasers....
yeah, ...like Superman.
but believe me,
there's another reason i hated this cartoon as a kid.


oh yeah.
fuckin' Godzooky...
the creators apparently wanted a "cute, cuddly" version
of Godzilla, so what we got was Godzooky.
basically, the bastard child of Godzilla & Scooby-Doo
Godzooky is by far the most annoying character on the show.
Jar Jar Binks thinks Godzooky sucks for god's sake.
i'm not surprised as i get older why the concept
of a Godzilla cartoon never took off.


cause honestly,
Godzilla fans like me only needed one Godzilla cartoon...

classic.

on a side note...
i figured out a way they could have made
the 1998 tristar Godzilla movie not only watchable, but awesome...
make it a sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
think about it for a second...
Ferris has grown up & now works for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
he comes to New York after taking a long overdue sick day.
Pan to the city where we discover that
Sloan is now a struggling TV reporter in Manhattan
& Cameron is her bumbling cameraman/platonic-bro.
They met up for a reunion lunch,
when suddenly a shitty looking, badly animated Godzill-iguana
show's up to ruin a parade downtown.
thankfully, Ed Rooney has quit his job as a principle
& now works for the French Secret Service.
Ed leads Ferris, Cameron & Sloan in a daring chase through the city
(obviously using Camerons' Fathers recently purchased replacement Ferrari)
until, when all seems lost, Jennifer Grey shows up to Save Ferris.
(get it?! Save Ferris?!...nevermind.)
she grows to enormous proportions & kicks Godzilla in the face.
Godzilla stumbles into the water & never returns.
Ferris & Sloan run off to get married.
Cameron goes back home to wait for his dad & tell him about his car.
Jennifer Grey goes back to having no career
Ed Rooney gets arrested for kiddie porn
...and there is much rejoicing.

we can call it Ferris Bueller's Day On (As a Dinosaur Hunter...)

either way, it sounds like a far more interesting film, right?
sounds like a million-dollar idea if you ask me.
i know i'd go see that movie.

you know what...
Godzilla is just misunderstood.
he's not evil,
he just wants to get his tail wet.

check out this here panda.

Dear Ya'll,

it's me.

the big shaq diesel.

i love pandas.

i bought this here panda.

straight cash.

the big shaq always gets paid.

me & LeeBrawn, gonna train this panda.

to play shooting guard.

give us a deep scoring threat...

and also gonna teach it the kung-fu.

new nickname alert

the Shaq-Fu Panda.

gotta go.

Sincerely Yours.

the Shaq-Fu Panda.

If I See an Elephant Fly...

remember the movie Dumbo?
when i was a little kid,
i would make my dad rent me this movie
almost every weekend.
he finally bought me a copy & i watched it everyday.
literally, EVERY. DAY. (ask my mom, she'll back me up)

anyhow, for those of you
who have never seen this film,
here is a quick summary...
baby elephant is a social outcast
because of his large ears/silly hat.
elephants' mom goes to "circus jail".
meets a mouse-bro & some stereotypically racist crows
learns to fly.
gets his own private train car.
hazzah.

oh yeah, i forgot...
in one scene, Dumbo & Mouse-Bro get's drunk
& basically freaks the fuck out.
this is without a doubt the trippiest thing
i've ever seen in a Disney movie.

...some animator was eating acid sandwiches for lunch

so enjoy some crazy tripped out nonsense...
in the last place you would ever expect it...
a kid's movie about... flying... baby... elephants?

forget it, this movie's fucking trippy.
end of story.

Hail, Hail

Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands of all time.
(seriously, i heart Pearl Jam)

that being said, i hate most other bands
that Pearl Jam have directly inspired.
so, basically i have to repeat
this conversation all the time...
green = the baron
yellow = typical shit-rock bro

Bro, you like Pearl Jam?
Um, Yes?
Do you like Staind?
...No.
Oh, Well do you like Coldplay?
Not really, i like that song from the iPod commercial, though.
Oh, You should get a Zune.
Whatever.


Do you like the Fray?
Go fuck yourself.

(aaaaaaand scene.)
just to set the record straight
here is a list of bands that were (probably)
inspired by Pearl Jam that i can't stand...
- Griffin House (Porterhouse?)
- Papa Bro-ach
- Alter Bro-dge
- the Nickelbros
- 3 Bros Down
- Theroy of a Deadbro
- Breaking Bro-jamin

regardless, Pearl Jam represented a different time in my musical life.
sandwiched between the Paul McCartney era & the Ben Folds period,
Pearl Jam was the band that first made me care about the image of the
members of the band & not just the the sound of the music.
it was never Eddie Vedder's band,
it was the band that Eddie played
in with his best friends.

it wasn't about selling records
(even though they were the biggest rock band in America for almost a decade)
it was about the band making music they loved
& if you liked it, then you liked it.
if not, they didn't give a shit.

to be honest, i didn't get to really enjoy Pearl Jam
the way they were meant to be seen.
in the Pacific Northwest in the early 90's.
back when Vedder was a little slimmer & trimmer.
back when he was jumping off scaffolding
& throwing microphone stands into the crowd.
back before alt-rock was destroyed
by the death of analog recording.
(digital recording is fine, but it doesn't have the same heart)
back before Lifehouse was a real band.


I've only seen Pearl Jam once.
May 12th, 2005 @ the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY
(setlist)
My Morning Jacket opened up before they got huge
but to be honest, i don't remember much of their set
besides a good live version of " Off the Record".
Eddie drank a whole bottle of wine & smoked
an full pack of American Spirits during the almost 3 hour set.
(smoking an American Spirit is like smoking a handgun)
needless to say, PJ brought the heat.
they played the song "Rats" for the first time in 8 years
and it fuckin' killed.
the whole place blew up.

i don't listen to Pearl Jam all the time anymore.
as a matter-of-fact,
i can only listen to them about 5/6 months
out of the year...

basically all the cold-ish Upstate NY months

but when i get in the mood, in the right state of mind,
i still get sucked in.
Vedder's voice is the most copied (abused?)
voice in all of music, but it still sends
chills down my spine sometimes
& McCready/Gossard are a 2-headed Classic Rock Riff Monster.

Oh, Yeah....

i almost forgot about Jeff Ament.

seriously, this dude is an accidental fashion icon.
most indie-bro i have ever seen.
i mean come on!
...look at that hat.

that is a fuckin hat, that's for damn sure.
(dude is also a revolutionary bass player)