my secret identity (shhhh.)

i'm going down to new york city on monday.

heard about an "open-casting call" for a new play.

think i might be perfect for the part.

this is the casting line:

Male. 16-20s. Must have a great rock tenor voice. 

Can be nerdy w/ understated sex appeal & a good sense of humor.

it just seemed too good not to go...

oh, by the way.

the role is for Peter Parker/Spider-man.

that's right...

it's a motherfuckin' Spider-man musical.

seriously.

i'm not kidding.

it's like somebody stole this idea from my brain & gave it to Bono.

this is gonna be the worst play in Broadway history. 

worst play in Broadway history.

i need to be a part of this somehow

if nothing else, i'm just gonna go try out for the sheer enjoyment

of standing in line with 20,000 Bizarro versions of myself.

imagine, thousands upon thousands of nerdy kids w/ emohair,

black-rimmed glasses & sweater vests.

Grand St. will be rockin' on monday night, ya'll.

Rivers Cuomo would be rolling over in his grave. (if he were dead.)

i just want an excuse to wear the costume.

such a bad ass costume.

don't you think the world is too boring?

the real world i mean.

the world of politics

& baseball

& taxes

& community college

& AnCo

& shitty jobs

& stupid mainstream girls who don't "get it"

yeah, i'm a big nerd, & i spend too much time

thinking about comic books/dinosaus/new alias for Topix

but that doesn't change the fact that i wish i could get

a day off from work because

Magneto flipped my car over w/ his mind...

a tyrannosaurus destroyed the mall...

zombies return from beyond el grave (el grave is mexi for "the grave").

i could write a whole blog specifically about 

the return of the zombies & my airtight plan 

to not only survive, but to thrive/turn-back the invansion.

however,  i'll save that for another time.

what i'd like to discuss is superpowers in general.

i'm gonna try & keep this limited to one power at a time.

so none of that Superman nonsense 

where he has like EVERY power.

oh, yeah, that's alotta fun to see.

a dude who no one can fuck with.

unless they have a green fuckin' rock from space.

this is gonna be a really agro blog.

i can already tell.

("Bro, look out, your fan-boy is showing")

did you see Superman Returns?

what a boring fucking movie...

Sam Raimi should kick Brian Singer's ass. 

side note.

Brandon Routh was better as that 

gay pornstar in Zak & Miri.

that's not a joke. 

he was hilarious

on to the powers. 

Super Speed:

simple question.

would you rather...

a) drive to the corner & buy a dutch in 2 minutes.

b) steal a cigar from a Cuban Nationalist in 6 seconds?

what a great power.

i would fuck with people all the time.

literally.

all.

the.

time. (time takes time. ya, know?)

i'd pull up behind people at red lights, get out, run over

& open there gas cap latches, then be back in my car before 

they even notice.

then i'd yell out the window at them 

about how dumb they are

for not closing there gas caps.

what a great power.

Freezing Stuff:

this is really a power of convenience/getting laid.

it's a power made to help you score chix.

you ever see that x-men movie?

you'll always have cold beers. (to get chix drunk)

you can turn ponds into ice rinks. (to get chix wet)

& you can make an ice slide to quickly escape. (from ugly chix.)

on a non-chix related note.

being able to turn in to ice would probably mean one of two things

1. you are ALWAY cold (cause you're made of ice)

2. you are NEVER cold (cause you're made of ice)

if it's the first option i'm not buying, otherwise i'm all in.

Teleportation:

ok, i guess i'll just say it.

fuck flying.

everyone wants to fly.

i ask people all the time what superpower they would have

& 9 times out of 10, it's flying.

come one america, let's be a little more creative.

wanting to fly is the most boring, standard superpower ever.

so, i'm gonna go with teleportation.

that would be the balls.

if you want a grape soda?

BLAM!

you're at the fridge

BLAM!

you're back in bed.

you can literally be the laziest person in the world.

since i'm already lazy, does that make me a superhero?

if i have this power, do i automatically have to look like this guy?

nightcrawler is looking very emo-core in this picture.

lots of powers to choose from.

there really are a million different super powers & junk.

as i'm mentioned in the past, if i had a choice of powers

i'd be able to transform into a 13ft. version on this.

fuckin' boss.

BONUS!!!

SHAQTASTIC PICTURE OF THE DAY.

the big shaqtus.

shaq is looking incredibly creepy in this picture, right?

like he just sexually molested that cactus.

or he plans on using this cactus sexually on you.

he still can't shoot free-throws.