yeah, i know.
it's been a hot minute since i've written anything.
i can't blame anyone but myself though.
i've been so bogged down with school, homework & my job
that i honestly haven't even given my poor blog a second thought.
hell, even right now the only reason i'm writing
anything is cause i'm in English & i'm bored with the lecture.
school is a blog for another day, though.
(hopefully, not a day a month & a half from now)
so let's get down to what's really wrong.
City #1: Utica, NY
(formally Space 27 a.k.a the Ugly Yellow House)
(in Utica, I'm always looking for ghosts...)
I never thought i would say the words... "i miss Utica, NY"
and i'm not going to say them now.
...because i don't.
Utica is a dying & if you ask anyone still there,
they will tell you the same thing
but for whatever reason, Utica has the ability to make you stay.
it allows you to be comfortable in mediocrity
because it's so easy to just get by.
i'll be honest, i was more than content for a time doing nothing but
working my minimum wage job,
smoking more weed than anyone should ever smoke,
playing guitar & turning into a nicotine-stained insomniac.
but after a while it just started to depress me.
it started to wear me down
& once Jay was gone
& the band wasn't my first priority
all i had left was 23 years of bad decisions
& fractured relationships.
that being said...
i do very much miss the friends i made in my time there.
the friendships (& one relationship in particular) that i forged in Utica
were amazing to say the least.
my friends were diverse & funny & carried me from day-to-day.
i was so depressed by the time i decide
to leave that somedays the only thing that
got me out of bed in the morning (late afternoon)
was the thought of a midday round of Par3 with Steve & Dano
or a high-ride with Kevin & Nate.
as of yet i've yet to create any relationships in Nyack that can compare
to even my most mid-level friendships i had in Utica...
which brings me to my next city...
City #2: Nyack, NY
(If Utica is Hell & NYC is Heaven... Nyack is my purgatory, so please pray for me)
you ever take a long plane trip somewhere that you really wanted to go?
like Aruba, or DisneyLand or Amsterdam or Jurassic Park (in theory)?
but instead of flying straight there you have to make a layover stop for
a few hours in some hellhole like Gary, Indiana or Linden, NJ...
or Gary, Indiana?
that's kinda how i feel about Nyack.
just get me to Jurassic Park already.
lemme' just say right off the bat, Nyack is an OK town.
i have no real issue with it.
it's heavily democratic & all the people seem nice enough.
the music scene is better than Utica's was & the bars stay open
until 4am which i find to be mind-blowing.
plus, every night i get to come home to play with this lovely darlin'...
(she takes after Uncle Sammy... it took me hours to get those shades back)
but i wasn't supposed to be here.
this was never the plan. (at least not in my head)
that's literally what goes through my head as i go to work
...or sit on the bus
...or have dinner with my sister & the kids
...or lay in bed at night
i'm not supposed to be here.
i'm supposed to be in New York City.
that's the only reason i left. period.
if anything it's the commute that going to kill me.
quick summary of my life in Nyack...
1. wake up, take the car to the park & ride (6:30am)
2. get on the bus to manhattan (7:00am)
3. take 2 subways from the bus station to hunter (8:15am)
4. classes (9:45am -3:30pm, depending on the day)
5. back on the bus (4:15pm)
6. back in Nyack (5:15pm)
7. waiting tables in Nyack (6:00pm - 1am)
8. homework, bowl, bed (2:15am)
& repeat indefinitely until i lose my fuckin' mind.
and so despite the fact that Nyack isn't that bad,
i already harbor an excessive amount of malice towards it.
& as it stands right now, i only have one way out...
City# 3: New York, NY
(it's up to you, New York, New York...)
ah. yes... the big apple....
the concrete jungle...
the city of a million stories...
if you can make it here you can make it anywhere...
etc
etc.
etc.
the city that never sleeps...
which it why it always looks like shit in the morning.
(somehow, i can relate)
When i was about 15ish, my sisters both moved to New York City.
they had an apartment on Roosevelt Island & it was awesome.
i would go visit them & they would take me to all these amazing places.
they would ask me what i wanted to go see
& i would tell them i just wanted to walk around...
let's get one thing straight...
i am not a country person.
i hate being in the wide open spaces
because the silence is deafening.
i need to hear the sounds of the world outside when i go to sleep.
i want car horns & the sounds of the teaming masses
to sing me to sleep every night.
i want a little place in Greenpoint that i can forge a future for myself in
& for whatever reason it hasn't come to be just yet.
i'm so tired i can barely stand it...
my body aches every minute of everyday
& my head is so hazed over sometimes that i can't think straight
it makes me wanna breakdown & quit.
but i'm not going to...
if nothing else i need to prove that i can do this on my own.
even if it kills me.
because on days like today...
when the playlist is good
& the autumn air is crisp in Bryant Park
& the sun is shining
i remember why i wanted to be here in the first place.
it's dirty & crowded & polluted & dangerous & expensive
& i love it more than you can imagine & that's what pulls me through...
it really is the greatest city in the world
& it's where i need to be.
People just become so CONTENT in cities like Utica. It is a dying city, but it's not a bad place if that's the life you want. It's just sad that most people (who I know) don't want it and think they can't leave. I moved to NYC on the excuse of "grad school" and never looked back. What I love about New York is that in many ways it's dying too (beware the suburbanization!), but it still makes me feel completely inadequate in a way that actually motivates me.
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