A Tale of Three Cities.

yeah, i know.

it's been a hot minute since i've written anything.

i can't blame anyone but myself though.

i've been so bogged down with school, homework & my job

that i honestly haven't even given my poor blog a second thought.

hell, even right now the only reason i'm writing

anything is cause i'm in English & i'm bored with the lecture.

school is a blog for another day, though.

(hopefully, not a day a month & a half from now)

so let's get down to what's really wrong.

City #1: Utica, NY

(formally Space 27 a.k.a the Ugly Yellow House)

(in Utica, I'm always looking for ghosts...)

I never thought i would say the words... "i miss Utica, NY"

and i'm not going to say them now.

...because i don't.

Utica is a dying & if you ask anyone still there,

they will tell you the same thing

but for whatever reason, Utica has the ability to make you stay.

it allows you to be comfortable in mediocrity

because it's so easy to just get by.

i'll be honest, i was more than content for a time doing nothing but

working my minimum wage job,

smoking more weed than anyone should ever smoke,

playing guitar & turning into a nicotine-stained insomniac.

but after a while it just started to depress me.

it started to wear me down

& once Jay was gone

& the band wasn't my first priority

all i had left was 23 years of bad decisions

& fractured relationships.

that being said...

i do very much miss the friends i made in my time there.

the friendships (& one relationship in particular) that i forged in Utica

were amazing to say the least.

my friends were diverse & funny & carried me from day-to-day.

i was so depressed by the time i decide

to leave that somedays the only thing that

got me out of bed in the morning (late afternoon)

was the thought of a midday round of Par3 with Steve & Dano

or a high-ride with Kevin & Nate.

as of yet i've yet to create any relationships in Nyack that can compare

to even my most mid-level friendships i had in Utica...

which brings me to my next city...

City #2: Nyack, NY

(If Utica is Hell & NYC is Heaven... Nyack is my purgatory, so please pray for me)

you ever take a long plane trip somewhere that you really wanted to go?

like Aruba, or DisneyLand or Amsterdam or Jurassic Park (in theory)?

but instead of flying straight there you have to make a layover stop for

a few hours in some hellhole like Gary, Indiana or Linden, NJ...

or Gary, Indiana?

that's kinda how i feel about Nyack.

just get me to Jurassic Park already.

lemme' just say right off the bat, Nyack is an OK town.

i have no real issue with it.

it's heavily democratic & all the people seem nice enough.

the music scene is better than Utica's was & the bars stay open

until 4am which i find to be mind-blowing.

plus, every night i get to come home to play with this lovely darlin'...

(she takes after Uncle Sammy... it took me hours to get those shades back)

but i wasn't supposed to be here.

this was never the plan. (at least not in my head)

that's literally what goes through my head as i go to work

...or sit on the bus

...or have dinner with my sister & the kids

...or lay in bed at night

i'm not supposed to be here.

i'm supposed to be in New York City.

that's the only reason i left. period.

if anything it's the commute that going to kill me.

quick summary of my life in Nyack...

1. wake up, take the car to the park & ride (6:30am)

2. get on the bus to manhattan (7:00am)

3. take 2 subways from the bus station to hunter (8:15am)

4. classes (9:45am -3:30pm, depending on the day)

5. back on the bus (4:15pm)

6. back in Nyack (5:15pm)

7. waiting tables in Nyack (6:00pm - 1am)

8. homework, bowl, bed (2:15am)

& repeat indefinitely until i lose my fuckin' mind.

and so despite the fact that Nyack isn't that bad,

i already harbor an excessive amount of malice towards it.

& as it stands right now, i only have one way out...

City# 3: New York, NY

(it's up to you, New York, New York...)

ah. yes... the big apple....

the concrete jungle...

the city of a million stories...

if you can make it here you can make it anywhere...

etc

etc.

etc.

the city that never sleeps...

which it why it always looks like shit in the morning.

(somehow, i can relate)

When i was about 15ish, my sisters both moved to New York City.

they had an apartment on Roosevelt Island & it was awesome.

i would go visit them & they would take me to all these amazing places.

they would ask me what i wanted to go see

& i would tell them i just wanted to walk around...

let's get one thing straight...

i am not a country person.

i hate being in the wide open spaces

because the silence is deafening.

i need to hear the sounds of the world outside when i go to sleep.

i want car horns & the sounds of the teaming masses

to sing me to sleep every night.

i want a little place in Greenpoint that i can forge a future for myself in

& for whatever reason it hasn't come to be just yet.

i'm so tired i can barely stand it...

my body aches every minute of everyday

& my head is so hazed over sometimes that i can't think straight

it makes me wanna breakdown & quit.

but i'm not going to...

if nothing else i need to prove that i can do this on my own.

even if it kills me.

because on days like today...

when the playlist is good

& the autumn air is crisp in Bryant Park

& the sun is shining

i remember why i wanted to be here in the first place.

it's dirty & crowded & polluted & dangerous & expensive

& i love it more than you can imagine & that's what pulls me through...

it really is the greatest city in the world

& it's where i need to be.

Coming Clean.

let there be much rejoicing.

the alias is no more...

so for the 2 people who didn't know who

"Baron Von Breakbeat" really was...

well, you're dumb.

my name is Sam Famolaro.

& this is the first day of the rest of my blog.

Extinction Theory.

so, i guess by writing this,
i'm contradicting the whole point
of what i'm about to say.

but i ain't 'fraid of no ghosts.
let's do it, to it.

i haven't thought about you in months.
even though i've talked to you
& even though you've crossed my mind,
it doesn't feel the same.
i used to sit home & think about the future.
"i wonder if she's gonna come back"
"how long can i honestly wait for her?"
but lately, the questions have changed.
i don't think about when you're coming back.
i think about whether or not i gave it all i could.
& i don't think about how long i can wait for you.
cause if i'm sure of anything anymore,
it's the fact that i've finally stopped waiting.

some one asked me last week,
"do you still love her?"

i don't really know.
i guess i'll always love her.
i'll love her for all the things she made me realize about myself.
& i'll love her for all the good times we used to have.
but falling in love with your memories
doesn't help you stay warm at night.

so as people we move on.
we bury ourselves in work.
we pretend we're invincible.
we get high.
we write music.
(we blog about it & hope you actually read it?)
we do what we need to do to feel normal.
some people just have a different definition of normal.

i'm moving out of my apartment today.
off to a far away land.
a land where i can't smoke weed in the living room
or stay awake watching infomercials until 6am.
to a land where i don't have wireless internet
& all the doors lock/unlock without having the need to viciously
swear at the key/locking mechanism for hours before it
magically decides to work.
a land where every room has "working over-head lighting".
but do ya' know what the best part is?
after i lug all my shit up there
after i spend three weeks trying to readjust to my surroundings
after i start to get comfortable...
i get to do it all over again.

fuckin' awesome.
i get a three-week vacation in my own personal hellhole.

things had better start to change for me.
& it needs to change soon.
i'm starting to feel older
but not necessarily wiser.
i'm starting to feel bigger
but not particularly stronger.

i've become slow & steady
& yet somehow, i'm still losing the race.

i also need to quit smoking.
these cigarettes are killing me.

i'll see ya'll soon, ok?














i take it all back.
temporary insanity.
what a twist!

(...and scene.)

You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat.

anti-shark cage?
you go inside the cage?
cage goes in the water.
you go in the water.
shark's in the water.
our shark...
farewell & adieu to you, fair spanish ladies.
farewell & adieu, you ladies of spain.
for we've received orders for to sail back to boston.
& so nevermore shall we see you again.

oh hey, i didn't see you come in.
pull up a seat...

Every week should be Shark Week.

as a nerd for educational programming,
shark week is like the holy grail of television.
it really has everything that i ever need
in terms of shark-related education.

it's like i called the Discovery Channel
& said to the producers...
"Hey, can i see schools of mysterious
hammerhead sharks hunting for pray?"
yeah, we can do that.
"oh, well can i see survivors of shark attacks showing
off there wounds & telling there survival stories?"
no problem bulk brogan, we got you covered.
this is awesome! great white sharks leaping out of the water?
yes we can.... & yes we will.

well fuckin' alright.
that's change i can believe in.

slow ahead? i can go slow ahead.
why don't you come down here & chum some of this shit?

if you can't tell, my love of sharks
comes primarily from the 1975 classic Jaws
& the fact that i am absolutely terrified by open water.
both the film & the real thing.
(fun fact: i can't swim very well)
i think the idea of being in a sharks territory
with no way to defend myself is what gets me the most.
& yeah, i've hear all the advice...
oh, you can punch it in the nose & it'll go away.
just poke it in eye, it'll leave you be.
well guess what random person
with shark advice i didn't ask for.
i hope this happens to you.

yeah... you give that shark a good punch now, asshole.

a giant shark is not totally a fictional concept.
in prehistoric times, ancestors of modern sharks,
such as the Megalodon, grew up to 59 feet long
& were apex predators of the Milocene Era Oceans.

now, i'm sure that there are no Megalodons left.
but the oceans are deep & i can't hold my breath.
so, i'm gonna stay on the safe side & chill on the boardwalk.
maybe get myself a hotdog/lamb gyro.
oh yeah...

love the boardwalk.

Godzilla vs. Ed Rooney

fuckin epic right?
more like epic fail.

From 1978-1981
the Hanna-Barbera company produced a series of Godzilla cartoons
to cash in on the growing popularity of the franchise with all the kiddies.
at the time, the 30-minute cartoon was run in
conjunction with other famous
Hanna-Barbera characters such as...
-Hong-Kong Phooey
-Dynomutt
-Jana of the Jungle
-the Harlem Globetrotters...
yeah, that makes a whole bunch of sense right?

all things considered, it's not a bad cartoon.
but it doesn't have much to do with the Godzilla movies.
the general concept revolves around a team of
scientists & a random kid who travel around in a boat
lookin' for crazy shit.
for whatever reason, they have a button that makes Godzilla
appear & beat the shit out of whatever he finds.
my major issues with the series, even as a kid, was that it
made no effort to make it look like the Toho series of movies.
there are no famous Toho monsters for Godzilla to battle,
just random stock monsters from around the world.
Godzilla doesn't breath blue-radiation, now it's just straight fire.
plus for whatever reason, he has eye lasers....
yeah, ...like Superman.
but believe me,
there's another reason i hated this cartoon as a kid.


oh yeah.
fuckin' Godzooky...
the creators apparently wanted a "cute, cuddly" version
of Godzilla, so what we got was Godzooky.
basically, the bastard child of Godzilla & Scooby-Doo
Godzooky is by far the most annoying character on the show.
Jar Jar Binks thinks Godzooky sucks for god's sake.
i'm not surprised as i get older why the concept
of a Godzilla cartoon never took off.


cause honestly,
Godzilla fans like me only needed one Godzilla cartoon...

classic.

on a side note...
i figured out a way they could have made
the 1998 tristar Godzilla movie not only watchable, but awesome...
make it a sequel to Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
think about it for a second...
Ferris has grown up & now works for the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
he comes to New York after taking a long overdue sick day.
Pan to the city where we discover that
Sloan is now a struggling TV reporter in Manhattan
& Cameron is her bumbling cameraman/platonic-bro.
They met up for a reunion lunch,
when suddenly a shitty looking, badly animated Godzill-iguana
show's up to ruin a parade downtown.
thankfully, Ed Rooney has quit his job as a principle
& now works for the French Secret Service.
Ed leads Ferris, Cameron & Sloan in a daring chase through the city
(obviously using Camerons' Fathers recently purchased replacement Ferrari)
until, when all seems lost, Jennifer Grey shows up to Save Ferris.
(get it?! Save Ferris?!...nevermind.)
she grows to enormous proportions & kicks Godzilla in the face.
Godzilla stumbles into the water & never returns.
Ferris & Sloan run off to get married.
Cameron goes back home to wait for his dad & tell him about his car.
Jennifer Grey goes back to having no career
Ed Rooney gets arrested for kiddie porn
...and there is much rejoicing.

we can call it Ferris Bueller's Day On (As a Dinosaur Hunter...)

either way, it sounds like a far more interesting film, right?
sounds like a million-dollar idea if you ask me.
i know i'd go see that movie.

you know what...
Godzilla is just misunderstood.
he's not evil,
he just wants to get his tail wet.

check out this here panda.

Dear Ya'll,

it's me.

the big shaq diesel.

i love pandas.

i bought this here panda.

straight cash.

the big shaq always gets paid.

me & LeeBrawn, gonna train this panda.

to play shooting guard.

give us a deep scoring threat...

and also gonna teach it the kung-fu.

new nickname alert

the Shaq-Fu Panda.

gotta go.

Sincerely Yours.

the Shaq-Fu Panda.

If I See an Elephant Fly...

remember the movie Dumbo?
when i was a little kid,
i would make my dad rent me this movie
almost every weekend.
he finally bought me a copy & i watched it everyday.
literally, EVERY. DAY. (ask my mom, she'll back me up)

anyhow, for those of you
who have never seen this film,
here is a quick summary...
baby elephant is a social outcast
because of his large ears/silly hat.
elephants' mom goes to "circus jail".
meets a mouse-bro & some stereotypically racist crows
learns to fly.
gets his own private train car.
hazzah.

oh yeah, i forgot...
in one scene, Dumbo & Mouse-Bro get's drunk
& basically freaks the fuck out.
this is without a doubt the trippiest thing
i've ever seen in a Disney movie.

...some animator was eating acid sandwiches for lunch

so enjoy some crazy tripped out nonsense...
in the last place you would ever expect it...
a kid's movie about... flying... baby... elephants?

forget it, this movie's fucking trippy.
end of story.

Hail, Hail

Pearl Jam is one of my favorite bands of all time.
(seriously, i heart Pearl Jam)

that being said, i hate most other bands
that Pearl Jam have directly inspired.
so, basically i have to repeat
this conversation all the time...
green = the baron
yellow = typical shit-rock bro

Bro, you like Pearl Jam?
Um, Yes?
Do you like Staind?
...No.
Oh, Well do you like Coldplay?
Not really, i like that song from the iPod commercial, though.
Oh, You should get a Zune.
Whatever.


Do you like the Fray?
Go fuck yourself.

(aaaaaaand scene.)
just to set the record straight
here is a list of bands that were (probably)
inspired by Pearl Jam that i can't stand...
- Griffin House (Porterhouse?)
- Papa Bro-ach
- Alter Bro-dge
- the Nickelbros
- 3 Bros Down
- Theroy of a Deadbro
- Breaking Bro-jamin

regardless, Pearl Jam represented a different time in my musical life.
sandwiched between the Paul McCartney era & the Ben Folds period,
Pearl Jam was the band that first made me care about the image of the
members of the band & not just the the sound of the music.
it was never Eddie Vedder's band,
it was the band that Eddie played
in with his best friends.

it wasn't about selling records
(even though they were the biggest rock band in America for almost a decade)
it was about the band making music they loved
& if you liked it, then you liked it.
if not, they didn't give a shit.

to be honest, i didn't get to really enjoy Pearl Jam
the way they were meant to be seen.
in the Pacific Northwest in the early 90's.
back when Vedder was a little slimmer & trimmer.
back when he was jumping off scaffolding
& throwing microphone stands into the crowd.
back before alt-rock was destroyed
by the death of analog recording.
(digital recording is fine, but it doesn't have the same heart)
back before Lifehouse was a real band.


I've only seen Pearl Jam once.
May 12th, 2005 @ the Pepsi Arena in Albany, NY
(setlist)
My Morning Jacket opened up before they got huge
but to be honest, i don't remember much of their set
besides a good live version of " Off the Record".
Eddie drank a whole bottle of wine & smoked
an full pack of American Spirits during the almost 3 hour set.
(smoking an American Spirit is like smoking a handgun)
needless to say, PJ brought the heat.
they played the song "Rats" for the first time in 8 years
and it fuckin' killed.
the whole place blew up.

i don't listen to Pearl Jam all the time anymore.
as a matter-of-fact,
i can only listen to them about 5/6 months
out of the year...

basically all the cold-ish Upstate NY months

but when i get in the mood, in the right state of mind,
i still get sucked in.
Vedder's voice is the most copied (abused?)
voice in all of music, but it still sends
chills down my spine sometimes
& McCready/Gossard are a 2-headed Classic Rock Riff Monster.

Oh, Yeah....

i almost forgot about Jeff Ament.

seriously, this dude is an accidental fashion icon.
most indie-bro i have ever seen.
i mean come on!
...look at that hat.

that is a fuckin hat, that's for damn sure.
(dude is also a revolutionary bass player)

Carpetbaggers

i know.... it's been a while.
i promise i'll get on & post more stuff.

for now, watch this.
it's like my indie-wet dream.

Supreme Demonstraton.

remember when our parents wouldn't let us play this?
when you look at it now, it's more funny than violent.

is this what causes Columbine-Bro's?
does Barack Obama know how to do Scorpion's Fatality? (Up, Up, HP)



...remember when Sub-Zero looked like a very cold Shredder?

i don't either actually...
what the fuck?